love.peace.sex

a birthday.

2008-03-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

its someone's birthday today.
funnily enough its also the day that i remember all the things i hated.

who woulda thunk?

there were nights when the wind was so cold..

2008-02-25T21:03:00.000-08:00

but it's all coming back, its all coming back to me now.
there are moments of gold and there are flashes of light.

im ready.

there is a creativity storm brewing in my brain and rumbling in my heart.

i want structured fabrics.
i want paint.
i want leather.
i want silk scarves wrapped around my forehead, and i dont care if its passe.

now if only i could make shoes.

this guy makes me go ha. ha.

2008-02-25T14:38:00.000-08:00

colors

2008-02-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

"in the beginning...
oh - long before that..
when light was deciding who should be in, and who should be out of spectrum
Yellow - was in trouble. even then.

seems that Green, you know how Green can be..
didnt want Yellow in
some silly primal envy i suppose..
but for whatever cause; the effect was bad on Yellow.
and caused Yellow to weep yellow tears
for several eternals, before there were years.

until Blue heard what was up, between Green and Yellow.
and took Green aside for a serious talk
in which Blue pointed out
that if Yellow and Blue
were to get together...
(not that they would)
but if they did..
a gentle threat - they could make their own green
'oh' said Green with some understanding..

naturally by a sudden change of hue
Green saw the light, and Yellow got in.

worked out fine.
Yellow got lemons.
and Green..
got limes."

- Ken Nordine

nobody's alone.

2008-02-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

' the little cracks they escalated
and before we know it is too late
for making circles and telling lies

you're moving too fast for me
and i cant keep up
maybe if you slowed down for me
i could see you're only telling
lies, lies, lies
breaking us down with your
lies, lies, lies. '

- glen hansard

(see the movie Once. do it now.)

ps. Im in love with Glen Hansard

one headlight?

2008-02-18T17:02:00.000-08:00

i am the epitome of laziness.

i have no motivation.

no money

no desire to stay awake.

i wake up and wait all day until i can go to sleep again.

is it bed time yet?

are we there yet?

can we drive it home with one headlight?

Ughhhh.

2008-02-16T22:32:00.000-08:00

she says: are you going to get into a relationship with him? i think you should. i think it'll be good for you.

i say: fuck that. i dont want a relationship.

she says: but you like him, you cant deny it. you got jealous - you know what that means.

i say: okay fine. but it doesnt mattter. nothing matters. its all bullshit. everything is bullshit.

she says: well then stop seeing him.

i say: maybe i will.

but really...
..... ... ... .. . .
i wont. i wont and i will carry on until the week before i leave. i like it too much.
and then...whether i call it something or not...it will be hard.
im a masochist - what else would i do? avoid pain? hell no.

ride it out. enjoy the ride.
even when you know its going to end, you still wait in line for it.

2008-02-14T12:37:00.001-08:00

txt msgs: a series

2008-02-13T17:12:00.000-08:00

m.a.b : will you be my valentine?

a: i think im going to have a panic attack

m.a.b: no reply?

a: i said i think im going to have a panic attack.

m.a.b: i can see why...

a: what does being your valentine entail?

m.a.b: some food, maybe a little wine, and some anal sex?

a: nah. im not into food and wine.

i love oatmeal.

2008-02-13T17:05:00.001-08:00

its the perfect breakfast.

the perfect lunch.

the perfect dinner.

just add water!

[this is what happens when you're broke]

she's right.

2008-02-12T17:27:00.000-08:00

all we talk about is money, love, and getting thin.

its lame.

im a charlatan.

2008-02-06T10:59:00.000-08:00

its true.

you dont really know me.

because i actually dont exist.

im everything all the time.

and nothing simultaneously.

dont tell anyone.

word of the month: mirrors.

2008-02-04T17:27:00.000-08:00

"looking at pictures of myself and into mirrors ruins my self-esteem"
followed by something to the effect of 'mirrors are so passe'

- ajames.

J'♥ Toronto

2008-02-03T18:38:00.000-08:00

i think i was born here in a previous life.
back after 6 months.....and i feel at home.

5 lbs. 5 days.

2008-01-30T14:46:00.000-08:00

I was on set today. Adjusting the garter's of an alien being.
It was prettiest unpretty sight I've seen.
Then I looked in the mirror, and died.
So I know I'm not 7 hundred feet tall, and Im never going to look like an emaciated 20 year old with silicone ta-ta's.

BUT.

Maybe I can look like a 21 yr old 5"3 version of that with natural milk makers.
Que penses tu?
I've got 5 days to lose 5 pounds.

Im hungry already.

PEOPLE: I need your moral support. Cheer for me. Pray for me during my war against food.

i just thought you all should know...

2008-01-29T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm the COOLEST.

{that's right, i said it.}

Today..

2008-01-27T19:17:00.000-08:00

i opened my eyes.

and finally saw myself.

dude.

2008-01-26T18:06:00.000-08:00

now i know why my hands were still bleeding.

obviously my dreaming self is smarter than my awake self.

she can follow patterns.

you keep doing it man.

im starting to get angry.

ugh.

another bloody dream.

2008-01-24T10:36:00.000-08:00

i keep having dreams about my fingers splitting down the middle

rushing blood down my hands onto my wrist

the one wrist

with the tattoo

of you.

i painted a picture of my bloody hand

hoping the dreams would stop

and they stopped

or so i thought

last night

i got into a car crash

and i thought i died

but when i realized i wasnt dead

laying in a puddle of blood

pouring from my neck

i looked down

and my hand

was missing 3 fingers

and rushing blood

down my wrist

the one wrist

with the tattoo

of you.

i woke up this morning

wondering why?

seeing as how we're giving it another try

before i thought the blood on my hands

was the pain of being without you

the pain from everything that was you

but if we're doing this again..

why am i still bleeding?

what??

2008-01-22T18:19:00.001-08:00

r.i.p

heath ledger was pronounced dead today at 3:45 pm.

out of nowhere!

ill be mourning his death for the next couple of days.

he was really talented, beautiful, and way too young to go.

this is the type of mother i aspire to be

2008-01-22T17:50:00.001-08:00

seriously.

how ridiculous is that?

preetttty ridiculous.

have you seen my purpose?

2008-01-20T14:55:00.001-08:00

i cant seem to find it.

im pretty sure i lost it somewhere.

and so it goes..

2008-01-18T18:11:00.001-08:00

you are my lingering sickness.

broken everything.

2008-01-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

i have

a broken phone

and a broken head

booze and broken hearts dont play well with each other.

or me.

kimbo jones

2008-01-15T11:03:00.000-08:00

so im laying in my bed

listening to damian rice

thinking about this blog that i write..

i write too much about him

him, the heartbreaker, the lifetaker..

he doesnt deserve all these words.

so im going to take a little break from that.

things are looking up.

i made dinner last night in my new apartment for the first time

for myself and a friend that i should have made dinner for a very long time ago.

she's beautiful.

i missed her.

we used to live together in a mess.

smoke pot and eat pasta all night and day.

blast music while we put on our make up

and drink beers in the shower.

there was a couch made out of beer cases.

there was scrabble.

there was fiona apple.

there was a jukebox on the wall that she drew

there was a cat in a box

there was free cable

i miss that.

i miss living with her.

so ill just make dinner for her more often.

xoxo

i want to...

2008-01-14T19:24:00.000-08:00

your eyes were blue

even though they were green.

your words were real

or so they seemed.

my heart was broken

but my head was strong

i used to miss you

but

you've been gone too long

you asked me to leave

so i left you behind

asked me to come back

asked to rewind

i cant go back

...

i want to go back.

you come. you stay.

im not moving

anymore.

whatever happened to the morning.

2008-01-14T00:45:00.000-08:00

i miss you today

i miss the way

we used to live

together.

i miss waking up

and not getting out of bed

while you began your day

did all the things i wouldnt do

and i layed there

wrapped in the sheets

all warm

with love for you

always the one asking you

to stay

stay

i just wanted to stay.

you're funny

2008-01-14T00:20:00.000-08:00

outbox msg 7

2008-01-13T14:48:00.000-08:00

you haunt me.

your memory.

your scent.

your sound.

your teeth.

haunt me.

you haunt me in my dreams.

with my bloody hands and my bleeding wrists.

when i stumble upon a moment.

one

sober

moment..

is a moment with you.

your ghost is near.

it lingers in my mouth.

push/\pull

2008-01-09T12:49:00.000-08:00

if only you could be back here.

just

here.

then it would be the same as it was before.

it would

go.

back.

to the same as it was before.

the same as i thought it was.

the same as i believed it was.

believed

was.

it was.

it really

really

was.

i paint my nails

i think of you

i cut my bangs

i think of you

you.

YOU are the one who pushed.

you pushed.

and i pulled.

and you pushed.

and i pulled.

and you PUSHED.

until there was

nothing

left

for me

to pull.

so i pushed.

and you pulled.

and i pushed

and you pulled

until

couldn't

push

anymore

at all.

i cry.

i dont know where the tears come from anymore.

i cant explain them.

but i can taste them.

salty

and

full

woe.

why cant you just come back here?

you say you want to do this.

so.

SO.

do this.

do it.

DO it.

i cant pretend to live with you

when i

live without you.

i cant bear to live without you

and pretend

to live with you.

come

stay

leave

but

the spaces in between those words do not exist.

i cannot exist in between spaces.

ill

suffocate.

i need to breathe.

either give me the air i need

or let me find it on my own.

but

dont choke me.

because my throat is sore.

oh no you di'int!

2008-01-08T12:40:00.000-08:00

"ive seen smaller girls take bigger d*cks"

-m.a.b

strawberry crush

2008-01-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

'i think you're gorgeous'

does that mean he likes me... ?

im thinking yes..

oh yeah.

the birds are chirping

2008-01-08T11:59:00.002-08:00

and there are stains all over my black couch.

its a good day.

The Tower

2008-01-07T13:59:00.001-08:00

the tower represents sudden and unexpected change.

it signifies the destruction of something that was not built on a solid foundation

with this change comes a time of

disorder

and

chaos

but from this comes great improvement and newfound strength.

this is an opportunity for you to start over and

right you wrongs.

great love is grave love

2008-01-06T13:11:00.000-08:00

you were too scared to say yes.

and

was too scared

say no.

but i did.

and its done.

'its like a mosquito bite - you just need to x it out and its gone'

- aj

im sick.

2008-01-05T11:52:00.000-08:00

and it sucks.

now or never

2008-01-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

doesnt exist.

if its now or never

then

its

never.

new year's pooh

2007-12-31T08:59:00.000-08:00

its the last day of the year.

the 365th day.

do you have to do this to me right before i start anew?

of course you do.

i wouldnt put it past you.

go away.

stop.

don't do this again.

goodbye,

and

fuck you very much.

in the hole.

2007-12-30T13:42:00.001-08:00

im still drunk.

my eyes are burning.

what a nightmare phone call.

fuck you. leave me alone.

my friend says this to you, to all my readers:

her favorite haiku..

' those who are possessed by nothing,

possess everything.'

word.

2007-12-28T12:23:00.000-08:00

'once i wanted to be the greatest

two fists of solid rock

when things i couldn't explain

any feelings

lower me down

pin me in

secure the grounds

for the lack of the drugs

my faith had been sleeping

for the later parade'

- cat power

when i grow up i want to be..

2007-12-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

here's a list of things i'd like to try being in 2008,

because to be honest,

im getting a little tired of myself.

pathological liar
introvert
asshole
alcoholic and/or drug addict

that's my list so far. im open to suggestions.

now i DO know that none of those things a positive.

but that's kinda the point here.

ALL of those things are negative, but id be doing it to amuse myself.

which ACTUALLY makes it positive.

so BOOYA

playa fo real?

2007-12-28T11:07:00.000-08:00

my mother had 3 boyfriends when she was my age.

all at the SAME time.

so im sitting here wondering, is that even possible?

did she actually have relationships with 3 different dudes at the same time?

and (more importantly), because my mother did it, does it make it okay if i ever decide to do the same thing?

i like boys.

i like them a lot.

but i dont want a boyfriend.

its possible that i want a few of them though.

its nice to have options...variety...

i can pick a guy depending on my mood, or what kind of night i want to have.

i think i might try this out.

im seriously considering it.

does that make me an asshole?

(its okay if it does)

just tell me okay?

Im not a drunk.

2007-12-28T10:27:00.000-08:00

I suppose it makes sense that the of December pretty much came out of nowhere.

Time seems to go by way faster when you're intoxicated.

So fast it actually IS a blur.

I've been drunk since August.

There are a few ways to deal with heartache, heartbreak.

I prefer to self-medicate.

I must admit, I thought deeply about slowing down the debauchery.

It will be a new year, after all.

Something's kind of fucking with me a little now though.

I finally landed a job after being unemployed for the last 5 months, and I thought

'time to get my life together'.

but what was i thinking?

i knew the only job i was willing to do was working behind a bar.

so i'm bartending again, and i'm thrilled really.

my friend (and boss) tells me on my first shift that

everybody who works behind that bar is a 'pro drinker' ,

and i tell him 'ill fit right in'.

he then proceeds to tell me that i'm pretty much obligated

to drink copious amounts of alcohol whilst working.

he wants me to work drunk.

im okay with that.

but it doesn't look like the debauchery is slowing down any time soon.

happy festivus.

looks like 2008 is going to be one big hangover.

the only thing i'm 'too' - is tired.

2007-12-27T11:48:00.000-08:00

somebody told me the other day that i had more hope than

most 'girls' do. id rather be addressed as a 'person' than as a girl,

but i suppose i am a girl (not yet a woman...) and i guess im going to

have to deal with everything that goes along with that; double standards, pms,

impossible orgasms, so on and so forth. anyways, back to my point. this person

told me i had more hope than others. hope when it comes to love.

he said 'had' - that's past tense. im still in the process of figuring out whether or not

that hope is a present time possibility. and so he told me this and how i responded really

quite resonated with me. i had something close to an epiphany. a realization?

maybe.

now i'm a young lady. some may even say i'm too young to know.

ill tell you right now im not 'too' anything for anything.

but i realized; relationships end. i think thats going to be my mantra from now on.

relationships end.

depressed yet? good. join my misery.

where were we?

oh yeah. hope.

so my last relationship just ended. but i held on for a long time throughout the 'end'.

longer than most would. and that was a product of this hope that i had(?).

and i told him. i held on for so long because i've gone through 3 heart wrenching endings,

and i would have rather held on to something than have ANOTHER one end.

how many times does something have to end before it can ACTUALLY begin?

at this point, im not in the mood to find out.

grab your balls, be a man.

2007-12-27T11:32:00.000-08:00

when you tell somebody you love them,

be prepared to live up to it - or dont say it at all.

when i tell you i love you, i mean it.

it means, i fucking love you.

i will do anything for you. i will be there for you no matter what.

i will stand by you. i will work for it.

i will pour blood, sweat and tears into it because that's what love is.

love is not a term to be used lightly. its fucking LOVE.

its capital letter big. it's a responsibility. dont say it in passing,

dont say it because someone says it to you.

say what you mean

and mean what you say.

because if you cant hold up to your word

you're worth shit.

(welcome note.)

2007-12-27T11:14:00.001-08:00

hello folks. this is my blog. yes, i have a blog.

i have a blog because i fancy myself a writer but i'm not

organized, motivated, or patient enough to write a book. or a memoir.

or whatever the fuck. so this is a blog. this is the instant gratification that

is our generation. take it, leave it, love it, hate it. spit on it, jerk off to it.

do what you will with it, cause chances are none of the above will stop me

from writing it.