new year's pooh

its the last day of the year. 

the 365th day. 

 

do you have to do this to me right before i start anew? 

of course you do. 

i wouldnt put it past you. 

go away. 

stop. 

 

don't do this again. 

goodbye, 

and 

fuck you very much. 

in the hole.

im still drunk. 

my eyes are burning. 

what a nightmare phone call. 

fuck you. leave me alone. 

my friend says this to you, to all my readers: 

her favorite haiku.. 

' those who are possessed by nothing, 

possess everything.' 

word. 

word.

'once i wanted to be the greatest

two fists of solid rock

when things i couldn't explain

any feelings 

lower me down

pin me in

secure the grounds

for the lack of the drugs

my faith had been sleeping 

for the later parade' 

- cat power 

when i grow up i want to be..

here's a list of things i'd like to try being in 2008, 

because to be honest, 

im getting a little tired of myself. 

:

• pathological liar
• introvert
• asshole
• alcoholic and/or drug addict

that's my list so far. im open to suggestions. 

now i DO know that none of those things a positive. 

but that's kinda the point here. 

ALL of those things are negative, but id be doing it to amuse myself.

which ACTUALLY makes it positive. 

so BOOYA 

playa fo real?

my mother had 3 boyfriends when she was my age. 

all at the SAME time. 

so im sitting here wondering, is that even possible?

did she actually have relationships with 3 different dudes at the same time? 

and (more importantly), because my mother did it, does it make it okay if i ever decide to do the same thing? 

i like boys. 

i like them a lot. 

but i dont want a boyfriend. 

its possible that i want a few of them though. 

its nice to have options...variety... 

i can pick a guy depending on my mood, or what kind of night i want to have. 

i think i might try this out. 

im seriously considering it. 

does that make me an asshole? 

(its okay if it does)

just tell me okay? 

Im not a drunk.

I suppose it makes sense that the of December pretty much came out of nowhere. 

Time seems to go by way faster when you're intoxicated. 

So fast it actually IS a blur. 

I've been drunk since August. 

There are a few ways to deal with heartache, heartbreak. 

I prefer to self-medicate. 

I must admit, I thought deeply about slowing down the debauchery. 

It will be a new year, after all. 

Something's kind of fucking with me a little now though. 

I finally landed a job after being unemployed for the last 5 months, and I thought 

'time to get my life together'. 

but what was i thinking? 

i knew the only job i was willing to do was working behind a bar. 

so i'm bartending again, and i'm thrilled really. 

my friend (and boss) tells me on my first shift that 

everybody who works behind that bar is a 'pro drinker' , 

and i tell him 'ill fit right in'. 

he then proceeds to tell me that i'm pretty much obligated

to drink copious amounts of alcohol whilst working. 

he wants me to work drunk. 

im okay with that. 

but it doesn't look like the debauchery is slowing down any time soon. 

happy festivus.

looks like 2008 is going to be one big hangover. 

the only thing i'm 'too' - is tired.

somebody told me the other day that i had more hope than 

most 'girls' do. id rather be addressed as a 'person' than as a girl,

but i suppose i am a girl (not yet a woman...) and i guess im going to 

have to deal with everything that goes along with that; double standards, pms, 

impossible orgasms, so on and so forth. anyways, back to my point. this person 

told me i had more hope than others. hope when it comes to love. 

he said 'had' - that's past tense. im still in the process of figuring out whether or not 

that hope is a present time possibility. and so he told me this and how i responded really

quite resonated with me. i had something close to an epiphany. a realization? 

maybe. 

now i'm a young lady. some may even say i'm too young to know. 

ill tell you right now im not 'too' anything for anything. 

but i realized; relationships end. i think thats going to be my mantra from now on. 

relationships end. 

relationships end. 

relationships end. 

depressed yet? good. join my misery. 

where were we? 

oh yeah. hope. 

so my last relationship just ended. but i held on for a long time throughout the 'end'.

longer than most would. and that was a product of this hope that i had(?). 

and i told him. i held on for so long because i've gone through 3 heart wrenching endings, 

and i would have rather held on to something than have ANOTHER one end. 

how many times does something have to end before it can ACTUALLY begin? 

at this point, im not in the mood to find out. 

grab your balls, be a man.

when you tell somebody you love them, 

be prepared to live up to it - or dont say it at all. 

when i tell you i love you, i mean it. 

it means, i fucking love you. 

i will do anything for you. i will be there for you no matter what. 

i will stand by you. i will work for it. 

i will pour blood, sweat and tears into it because that's what love is. 

love is not a term to be used lightly. its fucking LOVE. 

its capital letter big. it's a responsibility. dont say it in passing, 

dont say it because someone says it to you.

say what you mean

and mean what you say. 

because if you cant hold up to your word

you're worth shit. 

(welcome note.)

hello folks. this is my blog. yes, i have a blog. 

i have a blog because i fancy myself a writer but i'm not 

organized, motivated, or patient enough to write a book. or a memoir. 

or whatever the fuck. so this is a blog. this is the instant gratification that

is our generation. take it, leave it, love it, hate it. spit on it, jerk off to it. 

do what you will with it, cause chances are none of the above will stop me 

from writing it.